What’s All This Then!

According to reports, not only did the United States warn India about impending attacks on Mumbai but US intelligence also named which buildings were to be the targets. And yet in a recent interview, India’s president Kalam did not blame his government’s lax security for the death of the victims in Mumbai. In true finger-pointing style of a bureaucrat, he said it was the fault of Google for having maps readily available to terrorists. I suppose if Google Earth had not been invented, Mr. Kalam would be blaming AAA for handing out paper maps. Thank goodness cellphones, GPS devices, bullets, guns and an inept government had nothing to do with this tragedy.

Is Google Earth really the weapon of choice among terrorists? If you check out the satellite view around my house, you’ll see a large area under construction — construction was completed in 2002. In front of the plant where I work sits a road that has been there for over 20 years. Google has yet to add it to their maps. Maybe I shouldn’t worry. If our customers and vendors can’t find our building, what chance do terrorists have?

Forget all that fancy MBA schooling that you spent thousands of dollars on. Never mind that vital trend analysis and other important statistical tools that you use to track the direction of your company or the stock market. Business executives are turning in droves to… tarot card reading.

Yes, when the giant hamster of misfortune wants to run on your wheel, you want answers besides the accurately, bad ones that you’ve getting. So why wouldn’t interpreting randomly revealed card help you make better business decisions. After all, look how well psychics pick lottery numbers.

When I heard this news story on television, the reporter spoke with several tarot card readers. Most of them said they were wonderfully surprised by this uptick in their business. I guess this means they never saw it coming.

Maybe this is the opportunity that I’ve been waiting for. All I need are some chicken bones, sheep livers and business cards, then I too can become a overpaid business consultant! “Board of directors, meet board of Ouija.”

There’s nothing like a little mustard on a sausage biscuit or even just mustard on a biscuit (and Karl says, “Mmm Hmmm“). But yesterday, I found that I couldn’t get a single speck of mustard from mustard packs that had seemingly coagulated in our company’s breakroom. I found the ketchup packets much easier to use as I squeezed out this purplish red and black goo onto my breakfast sandwich. This may be part of our company’s new wellness program because the sight and smell of my biscuit suddenly made me no longer hungry. After I regretfully tossed my breakfast sandwich into the trashcan, I submitted the following suggestion to the powers that be:

If it’s not too much trouble, can something be done about the aged condiments in our breakroom? The mustard packets have started returning to seed form, the mayonnaise is old enough for admission to the mayo clinic, and the ketchup can’t catch up to your food no matter how hard you squeeze the packages. Even the salt is older than Lot’s wife! I don’t think their shelf life is supposed to be longer than the life of a shelf.

I know there are all kinds of ways to reduce the cost of a labor force, but poisoning them should not be an acceptable method.

I believe that competition between companies is a good thing. It’s especially exciting when you see the Davids of an industry kick the butts of the Goliaths. Dinosaurs died out for a reason, kids. Of course, it’s just as rewarding to watch a company that has been cheating you out of your money, lose out to a business that works hard to earn your respect and dollars. Sometimes in those cases, the stronger will merge with the weaker, capitalizing on the few strengths of the lesser company while weeding out the flaws. In the end, we as a consumer are the ultimate winner.

You would have thought this was going to be the case with the merger between XM and Sirius satellite radios. XM (trading at over $8 a share) had many more subscribers because of its unique range of radio stations and its adherence to the motto “commercial free radio.” Sirius, on the other hand, plugged away with commercialized channels that broadcasted only what it thought the mainstream of listeners wanted. Gee, I wonder why it was trading at $0.25 a share?

On November 12th, I turned on my XM satellite radio and listened to the first day results of their merger. XM changed the format of its new broadcast — not to commercial free, unique channels — but to the Sirius style of commercial-filled, mainstream, AM/FM type stations. Also surprising was the news that XM had just fired 80 popular radio personalities and removed their channel or morphed those stations into perverse Sirius counterparts. If you are a big fan of jazz fusion and of “Beyond Jazz”, you know what happened.

I’ve been reading various blogs over the past few days about XM’s switch over. The comment “have canceled my subscription” appears more times than I think Sirius has had subscribers. If you are a little upset by this changeover, here’s a couple of e-mail addresses for you send your gentle thoughts to:

jon.zellner@xmradio.com
sgreenstein@siriusradio.com

At the moment, I am contemplating my subscription. If I wanted to listen to AM/FM stations, I would not have subscribed to satellite radio. I think someone got a little greedy with their short-term thinking …

A recent Swedish study discovered that drinking three or more cups of coffee a day will reduce the size of your breasts… in women that is. From my unscientific observations of male co-workers, I believe that I can prove that this doesn’t apply to men. I also believe that nature did not intend coffee as a booby trap for women.

Of course, this study brings up the question of whether insurance companies will now covered the cost of coffee drinking as a method of breast reduction. I guess it will depend upon how much those breasts were perk-olated. I should point out that the researchers were studying the relationship between a specific CYP1A2*1F gene in women, their breast size, their coffee intake and the incidents of breast cancer. If I didn’t point this out, then my post would be nothing more than pure titillation, wouldn’t it.

Still, I can hear some of you women asking, “Never mind reduction! How can I increase my breast size?” To you, I can only suggest the tried-and-true method of going to a bar and consuming large amounts of alcohol … by the guy sitting next to you. Yes, I still remember those days. Ahhh, thanks for the mammaries …

I just wanted to make sure you understand what happens next …

That’s right, Ladies and Gentlemen! Stay tuned during prime time tonight and see what the world is going crazy about! Find out what Oprah wants to stuff under every seat in America!

That’s right! Tonight only, we have that mesmerizing stupor star who is sharper than a Ginsu knife in a snow storm, almost as useful as a pocket fisherman in the desert! He doesn’t need a microphone, he IS Mr. Microphone! You owe it to your family, to yourself, (and to the government once he’s elected) to watch Mr. B.O. slice and dice the truth as he effectively weasels his way into your heart and deep into your wallet.

Yes, I know. You’re asking, “But, Ron, is his sweet talking ways really that effective?” Don’t take my word on it! Just look how he managed to delay a major Baseball game for this Infomercial … the very Pennant Race Game that Mother Nature herself had already delayed through her powers. If this doesn’t prove that he is as powerful as Mother Nature, I’ll refund your vote. (Note: Refund offer void where prohibited and prohibited where void.)

Of course, everyone who watches will ask, “Does B.O. smell as good as he looks?” Hey! After four years, no one has complained of those odorous whiffs from his Senatorial pork spending. You know he’s as fresh as a daisy!

Speaking of which, unlike this year’s election, ABC is giving you a choice and airing “Pushing Daisies” at the same time as this Infomercial. But you have to ask yourself, “Do I want to watch a show about fantasy and the humorous murders of dreams or do I want to watch ‘Pushing Daisies’?”

But wait! There’s more! Vote now and he’ll include an equally deceptive counterpart complete with laugh-filled moments of flaws and flubs. You too can have the infamous, “”When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television…” That’s right, act now and with this Veg-O-Matic, you can be entertained for months on end by his political antics. For three easy payments (and one really complicate payment that involves your freedoms), you too can have two bureaucratics for the price of one! All this and much, much more!

So call and vote now and be a part of the nightmare, er, of his dream! Operators are standing by … because they can’t have chairs … not taxing enough …

Next week, we will fall in line with the TV and news coverage. So be sure to tune in for our passing nod to the high quality product: the J.M. Rotisserie. Just stick a fork in him, folks. He’s done.

I suddenly realized why men have XY chromosomes. You get married, then your lovely-spouse-turned-ex (X) takes your stuff, destroys your credit, ruins your life and you’re left asking why (Y).

I guess most baby doctors knows this, which explains their less-than-enthusiastic announcement of your birth, “You got male!”