What’s All This Then!

That’s right, Ladies and Gentlemen! Stay tuned during prime time tonight and see what the world is going crazy about! Find out what Oprah wants to stuff under every seat in America!

That’s right! Tonight only, we have that mesmerizing stupor star who is sharper than a Ginsu knife in a snow storm, almost as useful as a pocket fisherman in the desert! He doesn’t need a microphone, he IS Mr. Microphone! You owe it to your family, to yourself, (and to the government once he’s elected) to watch Mr. B.O. slice and dice the truth as he effectively weasels his way into your heart and deep into your wallet.

Yes, I know. You’re asking, “But, Ron, is his sweet talking ways really that effective?” Don’t take my word on it! Just look how he managed to delay a major Baseball game for this Infomercial … the very Pennant Race Game that Mother Nature herself had already delayed through her powers. If this doesn’t prove that he is as powerful as Mother Nature, I’ll refund your vote. (Note: Refund offer void where prohibited and prohibited where void.)

Of course, everyone who watches will ask, “Does B.O. smell as good as he looks?” Hey! After four years, no one has complained of those odorous whiffs from his Senatorial pork spending. You know he’s as fresh as a daisy!

Speaking of which, unlike this year’s election, ABC is giving you a choice and airing “Pushing Daisies” at the same time as this Infomercial. But you have to ask yourself, “Do I want to watch a show about fantasy and the humorous murders of dreams or do I want to watch ‘Pushing Daisies’?”

But wait! There’s more! Vote now and he’ll include an equally deceptive counterpart complete with laugh-filled moments of flaws and flubs. You too can have the infamous, “”When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television…” That’s right, act now and with this Veg-O-Matic, you can be entertained for months on end by his political antics. For three easy payments (and one really complicate payment that involves your freedoms), you too can have two bureaucratics for the price of one! All this and much, much more!

So call and vote now and be a part of the nightmare, er, of his dream! Operators are standing by … because they can’t have chairs … not taxing enough …

Next week, we will fall in line with the TV and news coverage. So be sure to tune in for our passing nod to the high quality product: the J.M. Rotisserie. Just stick a fork in him, folks. He’s done.

With the addition of Sarah Palin to the republican ballot, both parties now have a lot more in common. With either ticket, people can be assured of voting for two boobs …

Sometimes I wonder about a few of my friends that I hang around with at work. Last week, I listened as several of them talked about why they would choose one candidate over the other. One reason that a few of my genetically tanned friends held as an important criteria surprised me. “Barack Obama is one of us!”, they said. “What? A guy?”, I asked. “No, one of US!”, my dark friend said as he extended his hand and pointed to the back of it. “Oh!”, I said, “You mean that he’s not an amputee. He has all of his fingers and hands.” I knew what they were referring to. I just wondered if someone would say it out loud. They did: “I mean he’s a brotha’. That gets my vote!”

In all the years that I’ve known my friends, I’ve never known them to be racist. And they probably consider their remark to be anything but racist. Yet, as I spoke with more of my melanin-enhanced friends, it seems that it was easier for them to pick someone with similar looks. I have no doubt that some people have chosen John McCain on the same irrational basis.

Personally, I have a feeling that, regardless of who wins the election, we’re all going to lose one way or another. So I was wondering what would happen if Mr. McCain chose someone like Colin Powell to be his running mate. What kind of dilemma would this bring about? What would happen with those people who were using skin color in their election selection process? Would their heads explode? Would everybody wise up and write in “none of the above”? Of course, the bigger question is whether the Republican party is hip enough to let this happen?

On Friday, I listened as Michele Norris of NPR interviewed you, Mr. Obama. As you spoke of your noble plan to tax more money from those greedy oil companies, I couldn’t help but to be moved by your eloquent words. Actually, my car moved me. I was just enthralled by your ideas as I traveled along the road. I drive over a 100 miles a day to and from work. Naturally, I would love cheaper gas (and not just the kind you get from fast food). So, go get ‘em, Mr. Obama … I think … well, that was my mistake — to think about your ideas.

Your interview left the impression that oil companies aren’t taxed at all. Yet, I know that our thrifty governments already take almost 50% of the oil companies’ earnings. So record profits mean record revenues for you and your congressional cohorts, don’t they? Yet, the way you talked made me wonder if you guys have already squandered this year’s oil tax windfall. I realize that you made the list as one of the top pork spenders in Congress. But this isn’t one of those types of lists to be proud of or to remain on.

Let’s look at this little audacity of hope, shall we? According to the Tax Foundation, Exxon earned over $20 billion in the first quarter of this year. Out of that, government took over $9 billion. Then there is all the additional sales taxes, excise taxes, severance taxes, and property taxes that Exxon had to collect from motorists on behalf of our lawgivers — which worked out to $20 billion more in tax revenue. All-in-all, for $1 in after-tax oil profit, you politicians took almost $3. WOW!! And yet, Mr. Obama, you want to take more? Who’s being greedy? Kind of like the pot calling the kettle black. Or in this case, the candidate calling the oil … well, you know.

Have you forgotten that those evil oil companies take some of what’s left of their profits and pay investors — in other words, my lowly 401(k). Given Congresses’ wonderful management of the Social Security system, I’m going to need every penny of that 401(k) when (and if) I retire.

So, Sir, I’m not sure of your noble desires to relieve those ill gotten record profits from Exxon and the like. And when you put those billions of dollars into more bureaucratic programs, I’m not sure that the pennies that somehow trickle down will really benefit us poor folk of America.

Hmmmm, here’s a thought: do you think you and Mr. McCain can first put a stop to the wasteful spending that you boys and girls are doing in Congress before trying taxing the rest of us into poverty?

For almost three years now, I’ve been using Skype as a reliable replacement for my long distance phone service. It was free, now it’s not quite $15 per year. Much cheaper than Vonage and doesn’t have the same threaten of going bankrupt.

Skype also has an Instant Messenger portion to its program. Today I learned that there is yet another virus attack using Skype’s IM. So please take a look at this link so that you can protect yourself!