What’s All This Then!

That’s right, Ladies and Gentlemen! Stay tuned during prime time tonight and see what the world is going crazy about! Find out what Oprah wants to stuff under every seat in America!

That’s right! Tonight only, we have that mesmerizing stupor star who is sharper than a Ginsu knife in a snow storm, almost as useful as a pocket fisherman in the desert! He doesn’t need a microphone, he IS Mr. Microphone! You owe it to your family, to yourself, (and to the government once he’s elected) to watch Mr. B.O. slice and dice the truth as he effectively weasels his way into your heart and deep into your wallet.

Yes, I know. You’re asking, “But, Ron, is his sweet talking ways really that effective?” Don’t take my word on it! Just look how he managed to delay a major Baseball game for this Infomercial … the very Pennant Race Game that Mother Nature herself had already delayed through her powers. If this doesn’t prove that he is as powerful as Mother Nature, I’ll refund your vote. (Note: Refund offer void where prohibited and prohibited where void.)

Of course, everyone who watches will ask, “Does B.O. smell as good as he looks?” Hey! After four years, no one has complained of those odorous whiffs from his Senatorial pork spending. You know he’s as fresh as a daisy!

Speaking of which, unlike this year’s election, ABC is giving you a choice and airing “Pushing Daisies” at the same time as this Infomercial. But you have to ask yourself, “Do I want to watch a show about fantasy and the humorous murders of dreams or do I want to watch ‘Pushing Daisies’?”

But wait! There’s more! Vote now and he’ll include an equally deceptive counterpart complete with laugh-filled moments of flaws and flubs. You too can have the infamous, “”When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television…” That’s right, act now and with this Veg-O-Matic, you can be entertained for months on end by his political antics. For three easy payments (and one really complicate payment that involves your freedoms), you too can have two bureaucratics for the price of one! All this and much, much more!

So call and vote now and be a part of the nightmare, er, of his dream! Operators are standing by … because they can’t have chairs … not taxing enough …

Next week, we will fall in line with the TV and news coverage. So be sure to tune in for our passing nod to the high quality product: the J.M. Rotisserie. Just stick a fork in him, folks. He’s done.

Popularity: unranked [?]

You don’t have to tell me. I saw the news yesterday. The end of the world might soon be upon us, heralded by the coming of the five horsewomen of the Apocalypse. Yes, I am referring to the reunion of the Spice Girls! For 11 concerts, they will be getting $200 million each — and for what I ask you! Singing? Did they sing well? Or did they sing, well…

But that was then and now there are reports that the voices of the Spice Girls aren’t quite in tune as they almost were back in their heyday. This is understandable since most of Girl-Power girls have children now. If you are a parent, you know what a toll screaming does on your voice. But don’t worry. The Spice Girls aren’t going to let a little thing like carrying a tune stop them. It’s technology to the rescue! As the Girls “sing”, their voices will be digitally corrected by a computer program. This most evil of programs will magically replace sour notes with ones less sour from songs recorded years ago. Kind of like high tech lip-synching but without any fan feeling that they’ve been cheated of a real performance. After all, this is the Spice Girls that we’re talking about here.

Could it be any worse? Only if Geri appears in Playboy again…

Popularity: 13% [?]