What’s All This Then!

(hint: think about the Village People’s big hit song)

Forgive me? Oh wait! I think I already am!

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According to the news, a lot of people are excited about what the government is going to give them through its stimulus package. What the news media deceptively hides and what many people forget is that the government can’t give you what is already yours. All you can expect is that our bureaucratic friends will take a tiny bit less of our hard-earned money than they are now. Isn’t that exciting?!!! If the true be told, you are more likely to find an actual stimulus package on a male porn star than on the pages of any congressional legislation … although both are used for the same purpose … whether you’re willing or not.

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See Morgan. See Morgan smile. Smile, Morgan, smile. See Morgan standing. On the land. In front of the lake. Holding his cell phone. See the buttons on the cell phone. Text, Morgan, text. What will Morgan text? Maybe “I am happy. LOL {smiley face}”

Morgan flies a helicopter. Used to. Morgan crashed his helicopter. Into the lake. While texting. Now Morgan cannot fly anymore. Morgan cannot text anymore. Morgan died.

What did Morgan text? When he crashed. Into the lake. We do not know. Maybe, “AHHHHHHHHH! {frowny face} {frowny face}”

Did Morgan crash because he was texting? We do not know. Maybe his helicopter ran out of airtime minutes.

Now Morgan’s cell phone is in the lake. With the fish. Can fish use Morgan’s phone? Maybe no. Maybe they already have their own shell phone service. Maybe their rates are paid on scale. Can fish text? Maybe. What would a fish text? Maybe “I am happy. Darwin wins again. LOL {fishy face}” They cannot send a smiley face. Have you seen a fish smile? I have not.

And so we say goodbye to Morgan. And to his crashed helicopter. And to the texting fish. Goodbye, Morgan. Goodbye, helicopter. Goodbye, fish. {fishy kiss} {fishy kiss}

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Disneyland in Orlando, Florida has installed 30 more defibrillators as “continuance enhancement to safety” (or as they say in English, “lawsuit prevention”). Is the shock of reading your bill that bad? I guess Disney will be changing one of their famous songs to “Zap-a-dee-doo-dah Zap-a-dee-ay”

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Monday, January 5th: an employee at work turns in her notice and we all learn that former business practices are no longer in place. Natives restless.

Wednesday, January 7th: HR department tries to cover company’s butt with new impromptu policy.  Natives now very restless!

Thursday, January 8th: Plant wide meeting scheduled by management.  Will we strike?

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The Mom Song from Northland Video on Vimeo.

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Indian police have been searching for the unknown terrorists who helped in the terrible massacre in Mumbai. Today, India’s beleaguered law enforcement apprehended two unknown suspects wearing suspicious attire. Unfrotunately the police agencies of the two Indian regions are fighting over these recent arrests, making the destination of the suspects unknown. The court date and time is also unknown at this time.

In a spot of good news, the Unknown Comic is reported to be thrilled that people are still using his schick after all these years.

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Forget all that fancy MBA schooling that you spent thousands of dollars on. Never mind that vital trend analysis and other important statistical tools that you use to track the direction of your company or the stock market. Business executives are turning in droves to… tarot card reading.

Yes, when the giant hamster of misfortune wants to run on your wheel, you want answers besides the accurately, bad ones that you’ve getting. So why wouldn’t interpreting randomly revealed card help you make better business decisions. After all, look how well psychics pick lottery numbers.

When I heard this news story on television, the reporter spoke with several tarot card readers. Most of them said they were wonderfully surprised by this uptick in their business. I guess this means they never saw it coming.

Maybe this is the opportunity that I’ve been waiting for. All I need are some chicken bones, sheep livers and business cards, then I too can become a overpaid business consultant! “Board of directors, meet board of Ouija.”

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A recent Swedish study discovered that drinking three or more cups of coffee a day will reduce the size of your breasts… in women that is. From my unscientific observations of male co-workers, I believe that I can prove that this doesn’t apply to men. I also believe that nature did not intend coffee as a booby trap for women.

Of course, this study brings up the question of whether insurance companies will now covered the cost of coffee drinking as a method of breast reduction. I guess it will depend upon how much those breasts were perk-olated. I should point out that the researchers were studying the relationship between a specific CYP1A2*1F gene in women, their breast size, their coffee intake and the incidents of breast cancer. If I didn’t point this out, then my post would be nothing more than pure titillation, wouldn’t it.

Still, I can hear some of you women asking, “Never mind reduction! How can I increase my breast size?” To you, I can only suggest the tried-and-true method of going to a bar and consuming large amounts of alcohol … by the guy sitting next to you. Yes, I still remember those days. Ahhh, thanks for the mammaries …

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Sounds like the title for a brand-new game show. Ok then. Imagine that the electric company almost doubles the amount your monthly equal-payment electric bill. Not because you wastefully left doors open to heat the outdoors or had every light in every room turned on because the house was lonely. No. In fact, you had done every energy conserving action possible short of burrowing underground. Still, the electric company determined they weren’t making enough money and raise your rates regardless.

So here you are as the days and the daily temperatures grow shorter, taking in the beauty of a colorful autumn (and not colorful from the swearing when you read your electric bill) as the interior of your home cools. At what point do you finally break down and turn on the heat for at least one room for just a couple of minutes? Well, I, being that ever intrepid adventurer and experimenter, am trying to answer that very question. At the moment, my home has reached what you might say is an invigorating 60°. Of course, first thing in the morning, you might say it as inv-v-v-v-v-iga-r-r-r-r-at-t-t-t-ing. But I have found that teeth chattering has a wonderful way of warming the body … though not as quickly or satisfying as a shot of whiskey. (Ah, wouldn’t it be great to call in to work and say, “I can’t come to work yet, I’m warming up. Another pint and I should be there, boss.)

Anyway, another couple of weeks and I should have an answer for you. Here is the forecast for the next 7 days:

So, place your bets when I finally break down and turn the heat on. I must warning you that I had to live 18 months without a water heater during a messy divorce and a crazy ex. By the way, how cold you can go?

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Another easy explanation in cartoon form (WARNING: some might find the language a little rough in spots).

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Lately you have been leaving a lot more comments. This commentary surge has made my blogging experience that much more rewarding. I thank you very much for taking time to sharing your encouraging, often engaging thoughts. As a result, I have started replying to your messages with comments of my own as I get the chance. But this raises a couple of questions that I want to put to you.

Would you prefer that I send my remarks to you in an e-mail? I ask this because I am also leaving more comments now. Some of those are in the form of questions. Yet I’m finding that I’m losing track of which blogs and forums that I left my questions at. Fortunately, a few blogs will send me notification when additional comments are left. In that way, I can then catch when the owner of the blog has replied to my writings. A couple of other bloggers have replied directly to me which has been very helpful. For that matter, perhaps you would enjoy both a reply comment at the post and an e-mail.

Maybe you could care less if I acknowledge your effort or not. For me, I’m wondering if there is some proper blogging etiquette to let you know that I appreciate the time you took to share your valuable thoughts with me. Whatever the case, I hope that you will let me know your thoughts about this.

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