What’s All This Then!

(hint: think about the Village People’s big hit song)

Forgive me? Oh wait! I think I already am!

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According to the news, a lot of people are excited about what the government is going to give them through its stimulus package. What the news media deceptively hides and what many people forget is that the government can’t give you what is already yours. All you can expect is that our bureaucratic friends will take a tiny bit less of our hard-earned money than they are now. Isn’t that exciting?!!! If the true be told, you are more likely to find an actual stimulus package on a male porn star than on the pages of any congressional legislation … although both are used for the same purpose … whether you’re willing or not.

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See Morgan. See Morgan smile. Smile, Morgan, smile. See Morgan standing. On the land. In front of the lake. Holding his cell phone. See the buttons on the cell phone. Text, Morgan, text. What will Morgan text? Maybe “I am happy. LOL {smiley face}”

Morgan flies a helicopter. Used to. Morgan crashed his helicopter. Into the lake. While texting. Now Morgan cannot fly anymore. Morgan cannot text anymore. Morgan died.

What did Morgan text? When he crashed. Into the lake. We do not know. Maybe, “AHHHHHHHHH! {frowny face} {frowny face}”

Did Morgan crash because he was texting? We do not know. Maybe his helicopter ran out of airtime minutes.

Now Morgan’s cell phone is in the lake. With the fish. Can fish use Morgan’s phone? Maybe no. Maybe they already have their own shell phone service. Maybe their rates are paid on scale. Can fish text? Maybe. What would a fish text? Maybe “I am happy. Darwin wins again. LOL {fishy face}” They cannot send a smiley face. Have you seen a fish smile? I have not.

And so we say goodbye to Morgan. And to his crashed helicopter. And to the texting fish. Goodbye, Morgan. Goodbye, helicopter. Goodbye, fish. {fishy kiss} {fishy kiss}

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Disneyland in Orlando, Florida has installed 30 more defibrillators as “continuance enhancement to safety” (or as they say in English, “lawsuit prevention”). Is the shock of reading your bill that bad? I guess Disney will be changing one of their famous songs to “Zap-a-dee-doo-dah Zap-a-dee-ay”

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Monday, January 5th: an employee at work turns in her notice and we all learn that former business practices are no longer in place. Natives restless.

Wednesday, January 7th: HR department tries to cover company’s butt with new impromptu policy.  Natives now very restless!

Thursday, January 8th: Plant wide meeting scheduled by management.  Will we strike?

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The Mom Song from Northland Video on Vimeo.

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Indian police have been searching for the unknown terrorists who helped in the terrible massacre in Mumbai. Today, India’s beleaguered law enforcement apprehended two unknown suspects wearing suspicious attire. Unfrotunately the police agencies of the two Indian regions are fighting over these recent arrests, making the destination of the suspects unknown. The court date and time is also unknown at this time.

In a spot of good news, the Unknown Comic is reported to be thrilled that people are still using his schick after all these years.

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Forget all that fancy MBA schooling that you spent thousands of dollars on. Never mind that vital trend analysis and other important statistical tools that you use to track the direction of your company or the stock market. Business executives are turning in droves to… tarot card reading.

Yes, when the giant hamster of misfortune wants to run on your wheel, you want answers besides the accurately, bad ones that you’ve getting. So why wouldn’t interpreting randomly revealed card help you make better business decisions. After all, look how well psychics pick lottery numbers.

When I heard this news story on television, the reporter spoke with several tarot card readers. Most of them said they were wonderfully surprised by this uptick in their business. I guess this means they never saw it coming.

Maybe this is the opportunity that I’ve been waiting for. All I need are some chicken bones, sheep livers and business cards, then I too can become a overpaid business consultant! “Board of directors, meet board of Ouija.”

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A recent Swedish study discovered that drinking three or more cups of coffee a day will reduce the size of your breasts… in women that is. From my unscientific observations of male co-workers, I believe that I can prove that this doesn’t apply to men. I also believe that nature did not intend coffee as a booby trap for women.

Of course, this study brings up the question of whether insurance companies will now covered the cost of coffee drinking as a method of breast reduction. I guess it will depend upon how much those breasts were perk-olated. I should point out that the researchers were studying the relationship between a specific CYP1A2*1F gene in women, their breast size, their coffee intake and the incidents of breast cancer. If I didn’t point this out, then my post would be nothing more than pure titillation, wouldn’t it.

Still, I can hear some of you women asking, “Never mind reduction! How can I increase my breast size?” To you, I can only suggest the tried-and-true method of going to a bar and consuming large amounts of alcohol … by the guy sitting next to you. Yes, I still remember those days. Ahhh, thanks for the mammaries …

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