What’s All This Then!

That’s right, Ladies and Gentlemen! Stay tuned during prime time tonight and see what the world is going crazy about! Find out what Oprah wants to stuff under every seat in America!

That’s right! Tonight only, we have that mesmerizing stupor star who is sharper than a Ginsu knife in a snow storm, almost as useful as a pocket fisherman in the desert! He doesn’t need a microphone, he IS Mr. Microphone! You owe it to your family, to yourself, (and to the government once he’s elected) to watch Mr. B.O. slice and dice the truth as he effectively weasels his way into your heart and deep into your wallet.

Yes, I know. You’re asking, “But, Ron, is his sweet talking ways really that effective?” Don’t take my word on it! Just look how he managed to delay a major Baseball game for this Infomercial … the very Pennant Race Game that Mother Nature herself had already delayed through her powers. If this doesn’t prove that he is as powerful as Mother Nature, I’ll refund your vote. (Note: Refund offer void where prohibited and prohibited where void.)

Of course, everyone who watches will ask, “Does B.O. smell as good as he looks?” Hey! After four years, no one has complained of those odorous whiffs from his Senatorial pork spending. You know he’s as fresh as a daisy!

Speaking of which, unlike this year’s election, ABC is giving you a choice and airing “Pushing Daisies” at the same time as this Infomercial. But you have to ask yourself, “Do I want to watch a show about fantasy and the humorous murders of dreams or do I want to watch ‘Pushing Daisies’?”

But wait! There’s more! Vote now and he’ll include an equally deceptive counterpart complete with laugh-filled moments of flaws and flubs. You too can have the infamous, “”When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television…” That’s right, act now and with this Veg-O-Matic, you can be entertained for months on end by his political antics. For three easy payments (and one really complicate payment that involves your freedoms), you too can have two bureaucratics for the price of one! All this and much, much more!

So call and vote now and be a part of the nightmare, er, of his dream! Operators are standing by … because they can’t have chairs … not taxing enough …

Next week, we will fall in line with the TV and news coverage. So be sure to tune in for our passing nod to the high quality product: the J.M. Rotisserie. Just stick a fork in him, folks. He’s done.

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I suddenly realized why men have XY chromosomes. You get married, then your lovely-spouse-turned-ex (X) takes your stuff, destroys your credit, ruins your life and you’re left asking why (Y).

I guess most baby doctors knows this, which explains their less-than-enthusiastic announcement of your birth, “You got male!”

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Let’s see, my choices are one group who wants to take more of my hard-earned money or another group who wants to tell me how I can spend what’s left of my money. Hmmmmm, the lesser of two evils. Hmmmm, that’s still a vote for evil, isn’t it? Sorry, but there’s enough wickedness in the world without my vote giving tacit validation to those choices.

What? I can’t complain if I don’t vote?! If you’re walking down a street and a mugger gives you the choice of being shot or stabbed, you’ve got every right to complain about your injuries when you pick neither. Of course, an election is different than a mugging. There’s a lot more smiling and deception involved. Still, if you vote, knowing full well the consequences that will be unleashed on the lives and property of everyone, you the one who can’t complain now, can you…

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Sounds like the title for a brand-new game show. Ok then. Imagine that the electric company almost doubles the amount your monthly equal-payment electric bill. Not because you wastefully left doors open to heat the outdoors or had every light in every room turned on because the house was lonely. No. In fact, you had done every energy conserving action possible short of burrowing underground. Still, the electric company determined they weren’t making enough money and raise your rates regardless.

So here you are as the days and the daily temperatures grow shorter, taking in the beauty of a colorful autumn (and not colorful from the swearing when you read your electric bill) as the interior of your home cools. At what point do you finally break down and turn on the heat for at least one room for just a couple of minutes? Well, I, being that ever intrepid adventurer and experimenter, am trying to answer that very question. At the moment, my home has reached what you might say is an invigorating 60°. Of course, first thing in the morning, you might say it as inv-v-v-v-v-iga-r-r-r-r-at-t-t-t-ing. But I have found that teeth chattering has a wonderful way of warming the body … though not as quickly or satisfying as a shot of whiskey. (Ah, wouldn’t it be great to call in to work and say, “I can’t come to work yet, I’m warming up. Another pint and I should be there, boss.)

Anyway, another couple of weeks and I should have an answer for you. Here is the forecast for the next 7 days:

So, place your bets when I finally break down and turn the heat on. I must warning you that I had to live 18 months without a water heater during a messy divorce and a crazy ex. By the way, how cold you can go?

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Do you sometimes get the feeling that politicians are like teen-aged kids? They’re extremely nice when they want something from you — like your vote — but after they get it, it’s as if they don’t know you any more. If you watched John Stossel’s surprisingly accurate “Politically Incorrect Guide to Politics” last night, you couldn’t be but be angered by this expose of the American political process. If you missed it, here are the links to 10 minute segments of this broadcast but be warned: It’s like being told that there is no Santa. You’re either going to awake up to this fact or keep your head in the sand … just where politicians want you to be.
Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Part 4:

Part 5:

Part 6:

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Another easy explanation in cartoon form (WARNING: some might find the language a little rough in spots).

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