This is the age of arbitrarily granting rights to anything with DNA. So with the upcoming “animal rights awareness” week, the time has come for someone to defend the rights of plants.
The rights of plants? Yes, I realize that this may be difficult. Plants aren’t as cute and fuzzy as animals. Without those big, sad Bambi-eyes, our leafy friends can’t evoke the same feeling of pity or guilt the way animals can. (Although, by leaving a potato in the refrigerator for a couple months, you can get the effect of big eyes and fuzz.) Nevertheless, the time has come for someone to speak up in defense of our silent friends of the plant kingdom.
Why? Well, plants have no way to defend themselves from the senseless and unjust treatment that they receive. For example, who petitions the government to stop the turfy carnage caused from mowing the grass? (In fact, there are laws requiring homeowners to chop as many living stems as possible.) How many people complain about the drowning of our faithful friends from over-watering? Who acts as a voice for the thirsty foliage who have died from neglect? How much more precious vegetation must be add to the collection of dead plants in our homes before we act? (yes, potpourri is included.) Can you believe that these atrocities happened at the hands of seemingly higher intelligent human caretakers?
Are you worried about the slaughter of defenseless animals? Many people speak of becoming vegetarians to escape this guilt. They say it is wrong to kill these living, thinking beings. At least, thinking beings can move out of the way if they choose. (The bodies at the side of the road prove that these animals must have chosen otherwise.) Plants do not have the luxury of movement. They’re content to live their lives anchored in one place. Because of this, they are threatened with inhuman (or better yet, in-plant) exploitation from members of the animal kingdom.
Consider the splendid, irreplaceable flowers whose colorful, fragrant bodies are slashed for the sake of beauty. Their beauty and their life wither away in a lifeless vase for the pleasure of the beholder. Consider the fate of fruits and vegetables who are ripped from a safe and nurturing abode on the vine or in the ground. Some are carried straight from the garden into our homes, perhaps silently screaming all the way in terror. Maybe they know of the terrible instruments of unspeakable torture and certain death that await them inside. How can we stand idly by while helpless carrots face the mutilating action of a juicer? Can any vegetarian truly drink this juicy mass of pulp and bodily fluid without the same regard that they have for meatier sources of nutrition? How can anyone feel glad that they murdered a plant and not an animal?
The animal rights people say the animals are intelligent beings. No doubt, this is the result of interspecies communication between animal activists and activist who are actually animals. Surely there must be environmental owls who prevent their own from feeding on mice (perhaps by tying their fellow owls’ feet to the tree limbs while they sleep.) Possibly there are actual wolf activists trying to stop their own from eating rabbits and the like. 
(Perhaps the more militant of the group complain about how their kind wear fur. Yes, this would be silly but when was the last time you heard someone describe a fanatic as ‘sensible’?) Like their human counterparts, these activist animals seek to stop the inhumanity (or in-animality) of animal against animal as they work nobly to prevent upsetting their perception of the ecological balance. This is all fine and good, but what do these reformed carnivores eat? Do these animals resort to the same depravity as their human vegetarians brethren?
As living beings, we must take lessons from our soul mates in the plant kingdom. They simply take their nutrients from water and minerals in the soil. And where do these minerals come from? From materials that have no feelings, no thoughts, no cares — from inorganic matter — like rocks! We must start eating rocks, sand, pebbles, even dirt. (Remember the kinder, gentler times when we were three and we dined on mud pies?!) We must stop taking life for granted and start taking granite for life. By dining on gravel, we will be boulder in our quest to preserve every living thing even if it is at the expense of our own life. With enough people stoned in this fashion, especially in government, we will have some hope of succeeding.
How? We must persuade the public to ignore the difference between a person who uses living organisms to sustain their life and a person who abuses any life to satisfy irrational, masochistic feelings. We must lump these actions together and call them all immoral.
Next, we must evade the fact that “rights” are moral concept that apply only to cognitive beings — human beings. We can then avoid or distort the proper definition of rights (which refer to an individual’s freedom to sustain their life, free from physical compulsion, coercion, or interference from others while allowing others to live in the same manner). Only then can we irrationally grant rights to whomever we desire.
If we must grant rights to animals then we must do the same to our chloroform filled friends. Naturally this means that we must do so at our own expense. So pass the word that the human race is not worthy of existence. Start today to prevent cruelty to plants. Remember the latest motto: Save the Planet, Till the People.
Comment if you like but don’t get me started on atrocities against insects and insect rights!
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Have you ever heard the sound of a playing card smacking the spokes of a spinning bicycle wheel? Or listened to the thwacking of wood as it’s played along a picket fence? In a few revolutions, the resulting squeaks were not from the wheel but from our endowed hamster. Immediately rolling off of his revolving toy, he fell onto his back, clutching his groin like some one in an award winning movie for America’s Funniest Home videos. A few nightly episodes of this pain-filled activity and who wouldn’t be shifting their sleeping schedule further along toward the morning hours. I’m sure this is what our scientist friend discovered. And who needs to shift their sleeping habits? That’s right, jet-setting hamsters. Thus, a jet-lag cure was found! The question now is how our research friend going to test this out on people …
