What’s All This Then!

I live in a rough neighborhood but things get real tough this time of year.  It’s that time when gangs begin roaming looking for trouble.  Not just any gangs, but gangs of deer!  Lurking just out of sight until their victims arrive.  I’m not talking about your average, timid, cutsie bambi.   That’s right, I mean … punk deer!  You know the type, rough lookin’, scowlin’, mean deer.  They sport tattoos on their rumps that read “Eat Me” and “Buck This”.  The ones with huge antlers have “Me So Horny”.  Rough deer.  The kind that have pine straw piercings through their ears and nose.  They think nothing of rolling a squirrel for his nuts.  Surly deer.  They think nothing of giving you the hoof as you drive by ‘em.  Those dead deer beside the roads?  That’s no accident.  They were pushed during a shake down or failed the “how quickly can you get across the road” initiation into the gang.  Fortunately, these ruffians don’t last.  Maybe they get too cocky with the hunters — shooting off their mouths as hunters respond by shooting off their guns.  Maybe they just shame their families to the point of being exiled deep into the forest.  I don’t know.  But I’ll be glad when we can walk through the woods safely once more…

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Due to its sodas and a nasty virus, McDonald’s Japan had to issue a recall. No, there was nothing wrong with sodas. The virus was in the little goodie that the customers would win with the sodas — an small MP3 player infected with spyware code programmed to transmit their web passwords and other sensitive information to hackers. Not all customers suffered. A few people confused the term “MP3″ with “Omega-3″ vitamin supplement. They then complained about the lack of taste and crunchiness of their prize. While they suffered no infections, they were reported to “break wind” rather musically. One novice to the world of technology asked, “Did I just download?” Another is quoted to have said, “Michael Bolton never sounded so good.”

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Beaufort, North Carolina has several tourist attractions. One of interest is the grave of the girl who died at sea while returning from England. No big deal except that the captain, her father, buried her in the rum barrel and brought her back to Beaufort to be buried. Today, her grave, sheltered by 100 year old oak trees (live ones at that), is covered in cult-like fashion with toys, trinkets, flags and coins that visitors have left. Yeah, yeah, real nice but I’m left with questions!!

What possessed this grieving father to put his daughter into a rum barrel? Was he drinking tequila and noticed the preserved worm in the bottle? Fortunately, a custom of putting one’s dead loved one into barrel of liquor never caught on. Although, I once observed my grandmother putting her teeth in a glass of gin.

And what happened during the journey to Beaufort? Did they have a wake? Did the first mate get carried away and tap the casket? “Who wants some rum? I bettin’ me life that it be virgin rum! Oh, sorry, Capt’n!” Of course, during that party, you have to ask yourself, “Could she hold her alcohol?” The answer is yes! Not only could she hold it, she absorbed it!

At first I thought, well I hoped that her name was Jean. Her father then being the one who brought Jean Rummy to the maritime. But no, her name was Brandy, which means her father created the first rum runner drink at sea (for you teetotalers, that’s rum with a little brandy in it)!!

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The female praying mantis is known to eat the male during mating. This explains why there are very few praying mantis porno movies — that money shot is a killer! Imagine having to direct the love scenes. In the heat of the moment, she whips around and tears the head off of her lover. “Cut! Cut! You know what I mean! Stop filming! Look, Love, I need less anger, more passion. Think you can do that? Very good. Now, I need another actor. Alright, you guys, quit cowering in the corner. This is your big chance for stardom (especially if you survive.) You! You with the T-shirt that says ‘REAL MENTIS PRAY’ Get over there and show what a real man…tis is made of! What? ha ha Yes, I know I definitely will when she rips your head off. Never mind that! Just get your huge bulging … eyes over to her and let’s make a porno!!”

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When I first began the company’s network, there were unexpected problems. Some of them due to people learning about computers for the first time, some due to technical issues because I was learning about networks, and some to due to … well, the unexplainable. One thing that I tried to stress to everyone was “Save Your Work!” “Hey, where are you going? To the Bathroom? Save your work before you leave your desk!” “What about you? Going to lunch? Save your work first!”

One gentleman ignored this advice even though he lost many reports on many occasions. Being an extreme Christian, he would say that God would watch over him and his work. Of course, then he would come find me and have a fit because, oh I don’t know, demons must have snuck into his computer and destroyed his files while he was away. Finally I had enough. Under his “Jesus Saves” stick that sat beside his monitor, I wrote “his work! Why don’t you?” He was not happy when he saw this. For a religious man, he taught me some new curse words that day. “What should I do with you?”, he yelled. “Forgive me?”, I answered with a bambi-eyed look. Not a good enough answer for him. Then he started, “What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do?” During a brief pause while he took a breath, I couldn’t help point out that, well, Jesus was from the Middle-East and he didn’t speak English, so perhaps he … would drive a taxi? Now I don’t understand sputtering, but I did know a good time to leave when I saw one….

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… of the rest of this blog. With a few fitful starts, I am underway on my new hosted site. What’s that fly that only lives for an hour? That’s how much time I feel that I have to get everything done. And with a learning curve that rivals Mount Everest, we are going to have some fun now!!

I look forward to entertaining you and providing thought provoking posts. If you enjoy it, leave a comment! If I don’t make it worth your time, leave a comment! Ok?

stats before submitting my site:
Alexa: 7,173,967
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Onward and Upward!

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