Not so long ago, the sun travel around a flat earth. Beyond the edges of our world, there be monsters. Stories upon stories testified to those truths and the deniers were ridiculed or killed.
When you look back through history, it’s amazing how seemingly intelligent people will blindly and fanatically accept half-truths and outright falsehoods as gospel. Of course, it helps if you’re in power and you need something scary to keep those ignorant peons in check. When someone doubts your story, that’s usually the last thing they’ll ever do … aside from setting an example for the rest of the unwashed masses. And it never hurts to throw a little money around to have ‘reputable’ people back your erroneous tales with a few fun ‘facts’ of their own.
Today, we don’t have such crafty kings and devious popes to mislead us. We have the likes of Foxy Loxy Gore who has garnered a flock of Chicken Littles. (Funny how none of them question Foxy Gore’s hypocritical life style — gas guzzle vehicles and homes with a carbon footprint larger than a family of Bigfoots.) But if you can scare or belittle or find enough low self-esteemed people who hate human kind, you too can win a Nobel Peace prize. Not only that but your followers will form groups and participate in Blog Action Day where prime ministers and religious leaders take time to regale all of us with the monsters of global warming.
Yes, human-caused global warming must be true because thousand of scientists say that it is so. Just because these studied fellows are paid by governments who need a good reason to tax and control their citizens, this doesn’t discredit the researchers’ work. Besides, any one who disputes their findings is an idiot. Apparently, the thousands of other high ranking scientists (some who have won real Nobel prizes) must be drooling baboons because they’ve discounted human causes and proved other, more vital causes of global warming. Amazingly, this latter group wasn’t paid to prove anything. These deniers-to-the-cause followed that silly practice of only looking for the facts.
And the fact is that the globe is warming up. Just because unseasonable cold weather has occurred repeatedly around the planet most of this decade, that doesn’t mean global warming isn’t happening. The cause is just waiting to catch us off guard. Thus, we must band together to defeat a sneaky evil monstrosity that threatens to cook our planet in its own juice. That’s right! I mean the sun! It is bad enough when the sun blazes down on us in summer, erasing the polar caps, evaporating the snows of winter, and melting the ice cubes in our drinks. Now, thanks to verified reports that our malicious solar companion is heating up, our ice cubes will soon be melting in spring and fall too. This must be stopped! I know I can count the support of my fellows compatriots who make candles, manufacture light bulbs and produce electricity. They will readily agree that we need less sun and more cool darkness. I’m also pretty sure we can count on our Vampire brethren, sorry, our hemoglobin-challenge friends for their efforts to protect us from the sun. There may be a rumble between them and politicians as to who is the best parasite on human kind but that beats having the planet become a charred briquet. Yes?
Now some of you may be a little offended by this post. I apologize. You can do something immediately to reduce the human causes of global warming. Please take the hand of your fellow lemming and run, don’t walk, into the awaiting sea, breath deep the healing waters of our mother ocean, and sleep eternal knowing that your hot air won’t be harming the planet again.
You would think that the point of Blog-Action-Day is to draw attention and hopefully generate action on real problems in the world – human atrocities in Africa, needless poverty caused by greedy and ineffective governments — you know, actual human suffering that can be helped immediately. Instead blogactionday.org wasted a lot of people’s time and energy to focus on a problem that may or may not be a problem. Thanks, guys! Can’t wait for next year. I’ll bring the sun tan lotion … and an extra sweater … just in case.
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They said I was crazy! They said I was mad! They pointed and laughed and said it would never work! And I prove them all wrong! MWAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!