I don’t tweet anymore. I just open my door and yell at the neighbors. I get the same response as if I tweeted – nothing.
If you want to understand our democratic system, think of it this way: Our elections are like being a vegetarian given the choice between chicken and beef. Broccoli is an option but banned from participating in the debates.
It seems all the women in my universe have worked themselves into a frenzy just to see “Magic Mike”, a movie about male strippers. But I’m not too surprised. Have you seen this movie’s outrageous ab-vertisements? Makes me want to do a sit-up or two. Almost.
I could complain about the senseless exploitation of the male gender. But I’m a guy, and a lot of women are going to be 50-shades of frustration after watching “Magic Mike”. So, yeah. Hurray for our side!
But don’t get to cocky. As with all movies, everything is larger than life. Fortunately, this little fact isn’t as bad as it could be: the director didn’t film in 3-D.
When I reviewed Pizza Hut’s p’zolo on my other blog, I wasn’t expecting the jump in traffic that the post generated, or the variety of visitors from Germany, Philippines, and Pizza Hut’s advertising firm: Optimedia.
It all started when I was a little boy … no, no, move forward a bit. It all started early one evening as I hungrily eyed a flyer from Pizza Hut. Pictures look good, but I know from experience that, for example, the hands holding those enormous food items often belong to midgets. So what about those picturesque poses of the p’zolos? How much of that overflowing abundance of tasty fillings was true?
Most of the time, Google is my friend – accurate, dependable. Not this time. The first few pages of search returns were just links to hype disguised as objective blog posts.
You can unmask the bogus reviews easily. Whenever the comments asked a specific question about quality and quantity, you’ll notice a surprising lack of response. However, when the comments rave about the product, you’ll read endorsing remarks of how brilliant the commentator must be.
All I wanted to know was the size of the p’zolo and the value for the money. I mean, the p’zolo could be 2 foot monstrosity of dough with a sliver of sauce and powdered meat – definitely not worth the money unless you’re into fancy bread. I would never know. The p’zolo must’ve been so new that no one had yet posted actual experiences.
So me to the rescue. I bought Pizza Hut’s latest offering, posted my honest assessment (which seems to coincide with a lot of later commentators who actually tried the product), and the rest is history. I hope you get a chance to read my post. But if you need a quick summary, here is: Save your money.
How do we ever get anything done? Am I the only one who begins an important task – vital to the safety of the free world and all that is holy – and, within a few minutes, has to stop to handle some annoyingly needless interruption? Usually, I’m interrupted by a well-meaning family member whose less important project (according to me, naturally) gets interrupted by that one critical factor: lack of knowledge. Do they try to solve this problem on their own? No, they visit or call because I, being all knowing and mighty and polite, have nothing better to do than help them immediately.
Earlier this week, as part of my writing goals, I worked on a review of a new restaurant, intending to publish on Yelp that evening. But after several starts and stops to help various members of my friends-and-family circle, I finally gave up and shut the computer off in frustration. The review wasn’t that important, especially with the aggravation I was earning.
A few days later, I get an unexpected e-mail from Yelp. “Hey!” the message began, “What’s the scoop on your review? We’re dying to know. Are you going to finish it?” How did they know? Apparently, Yelp saves your work as you write, just in case the power goes out, the rapture occurs, or you give up writing in frustration.
Well, that email was all my littl’ pea-pickin’ heart needed for motivation. The next morning, I got up several hours before everyone, completed and posted my review.
I’m not saying that my post is any great work of literature. I’m just wanted to point out how easy it is to encourage the discouraged.
I’ve noticed that the older I get, the earlier I get up. Not because I want to. If the Olympics had a sleep-in event, I would be training constantly.
Still, when the wee hours of the morning arrive, I have to wee. Then I can’t get back to sleep even though my very being wants so much to escape to that wonderful world of uplifting dreams. This has to be another cruel trick of mother nature on my delicate, aging body. No matter. “Adapt, adopt, and improve” and I’ll just use this regrettable condition of aging to my advantage.
All I have to do is get up before I was supposed go to bed for the previous day. Soon after I lap myself, I’ll be back to waking up in afternoon.
As with all plans of genius, there is one potential downside: lapping the hours too many times and then walk in on myself while having sex. Probably not a good idea to have my selves meet while coming and going at the same time – especially this age. Then again …
I do! For the past 4 months, I’ve been pounding away at learning how to write – which is difficult to do when you don’t know how to read. But learning to read is next; and I can’t wait to read what I wrote!
Besides that, I’ve been laying the silliness on my other blog, Adapt, Adopt, and Improve. Not that I’m trying to tempted you to visit. No sweat off of my brow. Mainly because I’m wearing a winter hat … because the heat hasn’t kicked in yet. Cold in here? I’ll say. I could pull off my shirt, hover over the keyboard, and type without using my fingers. My nnniiipp…. nose is that cold.
Anyway, I’m back. Not only am I going to handle two blogs and some major public writing assignments, but I’m also going to attempt an extraordinary career move. All while blindfolded! And whistling Dixie.
If you think your life is crazy, just wait till mine kicks in. Maybe I’ll wave to you from your TV screen during the news reports. Maybe I give you a shout-out — because a shout-in is ridiculous. And muffled. Unless it is really strenuous. Maybe that’s why people mysteriously explode. They give a strenuous shout-in, and pop from the internal pressure. So if I wave then burst, you’ll know it was from me to you, Babe.
Anyway. What do I know? Stay tuned!
In fact, it’s my only Christmas present. I guess I picked a bad time to join the Jehovah Witness protection program. Just kidding. Every time is a bad time to join JW. And, once you’re a member, even your friends stop answering your knocks at their doors.
Again, just kidding. I haven’t made any religious life changes. But returning to this blog is, in fact, a present to myself. I needed to switch from everyone’s demands and visit projects that I put on the back burner.
So today, I upgraded my blog to WordPress 3.3. Will it finally let me preview a post before publishing? Let’s see………… …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Nope! Swing and a miss! Still getting “Uups, not found. Sorry! Maybe use our search?” error message. Oh well, back to the burner you go.
In a few weeks, you can squeal in delight as the next installment of the “Twilight” series splatters on movie screens across the country. In this episode, Bella gets married to that vampire guy. That’s gotta suck. What happens if she goes on a job interview just before the wedding and get asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” “Not in a mirror!”
I laughed when I read this study by the Canadian Research firm, AptiQuant. They gave a free, online IQ test to over 100,000 people, and then compared the results to the browser used by the test participants. Ready for AptiQuant’s findings?
- “Internet Explorer 6″ users had an average IQ score just over 80,
- Firefox and Chrome users had average IQ scores around 110,
- users of Opera and Camino users had score overs 120.
Your mileage may vary, of course. And I am willing to bet that, if you are reading my blog while using Internet Explorer, I am confident that you are a highly intelligent exception to the results of this study. Aren’t you …
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UPDATE – 3 August 2011 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amazing what some people will do to try and persuade you into other courses of action. Take the story mentioned above. Sounds good but it’s falser than a politician’s promise.
A web-business owner became so irked at people using the troublesome IE6 to visit his site, that he began the myth of IQ-to-browser-type. At major news agencies, their crack team of fact-checking journalists jumped on the story, skipped some major flawed facts. Vital facts, such as “The test that was mentioned in the report, “Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (IV) test” is a copyrighted test and cannot be administered online.”
This, my fine friends, is how we get duped time and time again by family, friends, and our beloved elected officials. They all mean well … just not well enough.
Of course, the biggest idiot is me for posting this to begin with.
Big news today … a hot 25 year old woman decided to not marry a old, wrinkly, but rich 85 year old man. In other news, my teenage daughter woke up in an unusually great mood this morning. She probably also heard that Hugh Hefner is now available again …
A few months ago, I bought a used Kindle One for $25 from my wealthy friend. He had just purchased a fancy iPad for his wife and was about to throw her Kindle away. So I did my part for the green movement and recycled his trash into my humble home.
All in all, it has been a great deal except one area – apparently, Amazon did not develop this handy reader and audio player with library users in mind.
You probably already know that you can download digital and audio books from your local library (handy when you have an insomniac hunkering for “War and Peace”). Almost all of the books have a copy protection built in. As a result, I have to use the library-and-publisher approved program called Overdrive in order to listen or read these books. After a week or two, Overdrive automatically un-checks my electronically checked-out material from my laptop. It’s as if I physically returned the book back to its safe home on the library shelf.
There are several players and E-readers that give you access to audio and digitally printed material. Yet, in spite of its popularity, the Amazon Kindle is not one of those labor-saving devices. Don’t fret! After a little investigation, I learned that the Barnes and Noble’s Nook would handle electronic versions of library books. Well, some of the books. Actually, just a few that exist in a MP3 format. I didn’t learn about the low quantity until after I picked up a refurbished Nook for $99.
Fortunately, this unnecessary obstacle to knowledge turned out to be a minor speed bump. I just spent about $26 for a program called MelodyCan. Now, I download any of the library’s audio books, convert it to a MP3 file, and loaded onto my Kindle or Nook for my listening pleasure.
Let me point out that I understand why book publishers forced libraries into distributing copy-protected books. They didn’t get to be billion dollar giants through charitable means. So, just as library material deletes itself from my laptop, I must remain honest to the spirit of the system (and to myself) and delete the books from my E-readers. Aside from that minor chore, I now have access to my library from the comfort and convenience of my home — as it should have been from the beginning of this electronic revolution. But this is what happens when companies, run by bean-counters, spend five dollars to save themselves one dollar.
I know! It sounds ridiculous! Yet, with all of your hard work to keep your Facebook page full of your witty insights and extremely important events in your life, some unthinking soul will unfriend you from their Facebook account.
The nerve of some people! In fact, they won’t even have the courtesy to let you know about their cruel actions. So what can you do?
Here’s how to track who unfriends you through your Firefox browser:
- Follow the instructions at this site to install Firefox and Greasemonkey.
- Now install this script which will add an “Unfriends” to your Facebook menu.
- Sign in to your Facebook account and let the games begin!
Of course, this add-on won’t tell you whose unfriended you in the past. It will only work for those rotten, mean SOBs who delete you for here-on-out.
It’s a little frustrating to watch Hip-hop ‘artists’ take great songs, add a little nothing to it and then make millions. Technically, they haven’t done anything special. Most of the time, their resulting songs aren’t any more creative than gluing a Popsicle stick to the frame of the Mona Lisa painting and calling it a ‘remix’.
So what’s stopping me from cashing in the mass horde who will buying because it’s the popular thing to do? Perhaps I can make some money in the same lazy fashion. I’ll start by writing children books in the style of gangsta rap. My first story will be based on Winnie-the-Pooh and called “Tigga Please”.